When
you have children....you come into it with all of your ideas about what you are
going to provide for this child. All the love in the world. You
don't realize, even when you're right in the middle of it, how many different
systems are in place surrounding your ability to provide for your child.
There are so many determining factors that you are not in "control"
of and systems that you had NO SAY in setting up that will affect your
providing for your children. It all depends...are you low-income?
How far did you get in your education? are you supported or oppressed
emotionally? what tools do you have to progress in the work place?
If
you are a woman of color...well, first of all, you're a woman (problem), second
of all, how assimilated are you into the dominant white culture, cuz uhhh, if
you're too Mexican, too black, have too much of an accent, dress differently
(you know.."lower-class"), forget it. How well do you enunciate
your words? Can you “pass”? how confidently do you smile? You should be using
words like "in my space" and "fyi" and "just a
sec" or "let me sit with this for a sec and I'll get back to you on
that". Oh, and, that guy that was going to support you through raising these
children (or not) well, he for whatever reason it is, just can't do it.
If he sticks around, he'll be in your care as well and give you a TON of sh%t
and harsh JUDGEMENT whenever you come up against an obstacle.
If
you're on receive assistance, you got A WHOLE LOT of people in your business,
making sure you don't make it ahead a little or they'll pull the
"support" rug right out from under you and the children in your care.
So,
how does this "look" in everyday living for a mother of color?
How does all these "things" actually come into play??
"It
doesn't SEEM like the mothers of color I see are navigating through that many
layers and factors in their everyday life. They look happy. It
can't be THAT bad." Right???
Well,
first of all, I'm not AT ALL INVESTED in making things look BAD for me
and all the mamis that I know and love. I don't think we're
victims. Although, I've been through a lot of sh%$*t, I'm no
victim. One common trait between us all, is that we know how to keep
going and LAUGHING and push foreword. We're no victims.
But,
let's take a look at how these things come into play.
Well, let's see....
First,
you might have fallen in love and been under the illusion (as was the case for
me) that the man I was making love to was miraculously going to be healthy enough
emotionally to support me as a mother through ALL that's involved in it.
So, now you’re on your own. Deal with it, get depressed, work your way
out of the illusion, make peace with it and KEEP GOING, because you have two
beautiful children learning the beauty of the world from you. This could
take you a few years to work through. For me, it took about 10 years to
begin to understand, 15 years to understand and get past the pain and 18 years
(so far) to healthily move forward. Oh, and, like a lot of us, he still
has to live with you, cuz you can’t AFFORD to raise the kids alone.
Still,
you keep maneuvering throughout your home trying to have enough money to
provide food and some fun for the kids, keep the husband/partner peaceful and
happy so he’ll not wreck the energy in the house with anger and negativity,
scaring the kids and plummeting your strength into the toilet. And like the
theme of one of our Latina Mami podcasts….YOU’RE NOT EVEN OUT THE DOOR YET!
Then,
you have to try to figure out how to position yourself in ALL THESE influencing
systems that you belong to….socio-economic systems, class structures,
institutional prejudice, inequitable policies in place in the workplace,
schools, Department of Human Services, HEALTHCARE SYSTEMS, THE CDC’s political
BS (don’t get me started on the CDC and healthcare systems at large), State and
Federal LEGISLATION, HOUSING, predatory lending practices, can we say
“CREDIT”,etc. These are just SOME of the systems that we maneuver through as we
try to build and provide abundant lives for our children and ourselves.
WHEN YOU ARE COMING OUT OF THE GATE PLACED WAY BEHIND AS A WOMAN AND A WOMAN OF
COLOR….IT’S A HUGE PILE ON TOP OF YOU TO WORK YOUR WAY THROUGH, PUSH YOUR WAY
THROUGH….IF YOU’RE BLESSED ENOUGH TO HAVE THE STRENGTH. “Don’t
politicians base their promises around family values” Uhhhh, “SUPPORTING”
family values? You hear that everywhere, supporting family values, the
supports family values, we strive to support family values. Okay, I did
it. I bought into the sales pitch. I did it YOUR way…..where the hell’s
the support???
It’s
all about support. If you have it, on all fronts, that’s great and
amazing. If you don’t….girl, you better develop that power and
push, push, push….oh and don’t forget to create the beauty that you’ll create
for your family.
I’m
blessed enough to have developed my gentle power so that I can position myself
in the BEST POSSIBLE position to create and achieve whatever it is that my
children need. However, QUITE OFTEN, that BEST POSSIBLE position is far
in the back, behind some big, tall, fat guy and out of ear shot of the
instructions.
The
funny thing is…I really don’t DWELL on the obstacles. I break through
them like thunder. Still, I’m way, way far behind. I’m writing
this, not to complain. I’m not trying to BLAME as much as shed light a
little bit about one mama’s perspective. Maybe these systems can be
improved to support US, OUR families….not leave us behind struggling to catch
up.
I
am truly the BEST POSSIBLE SCENARIO FOR A MAMI OF COLOR. I pushed for my
bachelor’s degree, pregnant and with a three year old while my husband and his
family didn’t approve and didn’t SUPPORT me at ALL through it. My family
COULDN’T support me at all either. STILL, I’m the BEST POSSIBLE OUTCOME!
When
I say I’ve made it through a lot, it’s really too much to even write
about,(let’s just throw say making it through, healing through being a
low-income mama, a few bonafide tragedies, brain damage, and a child with a
possibly chronic life-long suffering disease, not to mention taking on three
more children with a mentally ill and verbally abusive and neglectful mother
(dad, of course is gone and an addict), and I STILL believe and WORK for a
better future for the children and “husband” that depend on me to make their
lives good and provide support…emotional, physical and spiritual.
Help
me out. Lol
Happy Mother’s Day, beautiful angels that know my struggle because it’s yours too. CHINGONAS!!! We’ll just keep CELEBRATING AND SUPPORTING EACHOTHER, MUJERES PODOROSAS! I COULDN’T KEEP GOING WITHOUT YOU!
--In
deep love, strength, support of my sisters and passion for a better world for
our beautiful children, JESSICA OCHOA

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